Mean Secret Rules & Why We Obey Them

When we’re stuck in our creativity, we usually have secret “rules” about making art that are part of the stuck.

We may or may not be aware of these rules, but they often can go something like this:

>”Real artists make work every day. So I guess I’m not a real artist.”

Or another variation:

>”Real artists are disciplined and make work every day. The fact that I don’t shows that I’m neither disciplined nor an artist.” (Great double whammy that one.)

>”Real artists simply must create, all the time. If I really wanted to make art, I’d do it, and since I’m not, I guess I don’t.” (Listen, if you didn’t really want to be creative and make things, that sentence wouldn’t make you feel bad. But since it does, it shows that you DO want to. But we’re complicated, that’s why we can want to do things and not do them.”)

>”A real artist makes a living creating their work.” (Plenty of talented, passionate art makers don’t make a living making their art. The art market is not the art world.)

And then there’s these:

>”I’m too old to start now.”

>”At some point, you just have to let that part of you go.”

>”Making art is self-indulgent.”

>”Setting aside time to make my work is putting it ahead of my family and that’s selfish.”

Mean. Mean. Mean. And none of them true.

Why We Have Them

What are your rules about making art and how are they stopping you?

Sometimes it’s the values that you grew up with that are the source. This is especially common for beliefs and rules about art being child’s play, not for adults, too self-indulgent.

(Self-discipline was a highly admired trait in my household growing up, and a lot of my rules tend to revolve around that. I’m rarely measuring up to my own ideas of what I should accomplish, the way I should learn a new technique, how often I should create, etc.)

Sometimes our mean rules are really there to protect us…from taking a risk, from feeling bad, from committing to ourselves, etc. They aren’t really protecting us, but they think they are.

They also let us off the hook.

Which is making a weird trade off–we tell ourselves something that makes us feel bad, but now we don’t have to try. Or face some other worry, like finding out we’re really not that good after all, or some other awful thought-fear we’re trying to keep at arm’s length.

This fear-of-what-we-might-find-out can be a big one, and it has sneaky tricks for maintaining its own existence. It especially loves rules because they’re a great way for it to masquerade as the immutable, unchangeable nature of things. And who can bother changing that?

It’s a Family Affair

Our mean rules about our creativity also tend to have close cousins in other beliefs we have–ideas we have about being responsible, proper ways to support our families, beliefs about scarcity, definitions about what makes a good parent, notions of being a hard worker, etc.

Are any of them really serving you?

Letting go of the rules that don’t serve is usually a gradual process, I know it’s been for me. But identifying them and figuring out how they serve some part of you, while not serving the part of you that yearns to create is so helpful.

Because the part of you that yearns to create deserves more room at the inn.

And the part of you that is scared also deserves some acknowledgment. Because witnessing our fear is honoring it.

And strangely, honoring it shifts the power dynamic–you own the space now–the fear no longer owns you.

And it’ll probably still be a gradual process as this comfortable habit-fear masquerading as a rule desperately tries to climb into the back window of your thinking, sometimes successfully (usually when your defenses are down and the stress is high).

But take heart, things won’t be the same anymore between you even when they do sneak back in. It’ll be for shorter and shorter visits each time.

Because you’re on to them now and you’re not buying their story.

What do you think? Are secret rules holding you back? Lord knows I’ve had my share! Leave a comment or write me an email, I’d love to hear from you!

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